When you’re a teenager you think to yourself that after turning 18 or at least getting into your 20s, you stop changing so much as you solidify into an adult. Or least that’s what I thought. I’ve always been someone that just went with the flow and tried to do everything with my best effort. I tried my best and I was contempt with that because I believed everything would fall into place in the future. In a way, I still believe in this. I’m a very hopeful person and it’s what keeps me going every time big changes happen in my life or very bad things happen in my life. But in reality, your teenage years aren’t the only formative years of your life. I’ve found the changes during my teen years to be a slow, progressive period of my life where I felt that I had plateaued closer to my adulthood. I believed so hard that I had finally fit into the shoes that I’m meant to and I was so happy with myself. I thought I knew myself so well.
But alas, in the past 3 years, I had changed so rapidly in ways that I never expected. Even now I feel like I’m still rapidly changing and this change is good. It means that I’m doing something different every day, learning and growing to be someone I am comfortable with. 2017 has and is still throwing me so many surprises. I can’t deny that although I practise self-awareness quite a lot, I have lived my life with a lot of naivety. Naivety is something I feel that people misunderstand and brush off thinking it’s cute. But it has resulted in some negative outcomes for me. And it hit me hard. There have been many relationships that I’ve had to re-evaluate and I’m still re-evaluating some of them as of now – relationships that are beginning to crumble and are revealing themselves to be more than what appears on the surface. I’ve heard quite a lot that if you never fight in a relationship, it means you’re not close enough. Upon first thought, I thought it was silly. I said to myself, “if you don’t fight, doesn’t it mean that you have a very good relationship because you get along so well?”. For some people, never fighting can work out for them, but I’ve found that the initial statement rang true for me. No matter how similar and the same you think you are with someone, you will always have your differences. And these differences will create problems unless you talk it out openly and honestly, and make a compromise for the overall happiness of the relationship. But this doesn’t mean compromising all your needs to make the other person happy.
You’ve got to always be comfortable in your own skin first and foremost. You have to love yourself so much that everything else in your life comes after and is complimentary to your life. This is something I’m working on again. Recently, I’ve lost a lot of my confidence in who I am because of judgement from people in my life. I told myself that I should shut up and not be so talkative, and just listen. This tip-toeing of words and trying to be quiet, resulted in me actually becoming very quiet in social situations. It even affected how I presented myself in front of new people I met. I started to feel awkward and quiet, and sometimes just shy. I felt like I couldn’t be myself around people and had to cater to others to ensure I didn’t offend them. Amongst other things, this gave me a lot of stress. My mental health deteriorated again. However, I believe no challenge is a bad challenge! After talking with a dear friend of mine, they told me I needed to cut out these people in my life who are draining me and not doing any good to my wellbeing. I’ve begun to take a step back onto the path that will only bring me up to where I was. A place where I accept myself and my personality for what it is, and I am happy with myself.